How Do You Measure A Year?

 I know a lot of people have been posting about this past year, and I'm jumping on the bandwagon. 

Exactly one year ago yesterday we had school just like any other day. We dismissed the students, then shortly after we received an email from our Superintendent telling us that the district would be closed from Friday, March 13th-Friday, the 20th and that they would reassess to determine if a longer closure was necessary. On Sunday 3/15/20 the Governor of Massachusetts made the decision that all schools would be closed until Tuesday, April 7th. On 3/18 we had a rolling car Chromebook pick up at each school. Parents were given a time frame to come to the school and open their trunks, when they pulled up we put the students' Chromebooks and other school supplies in the trunk so we could begin (what we hoped would be) short term distance learning. We began the crazy journey of online learning, keeping our fingers crossed that we'd be back in school sooner rather than later. Then came the next announcement from the Governor on 3/25 that schools would reopen no earlier than May 4th. 
This was extremely difficult to wrap our heads around. We were seeing the impact of Covid in New York City, but we weren't really seeing it in Massachusetts. The seriousness of what was to come had not yet hit us and we were still hoping to return to school. However, on 4/21 the Governor announced that all schools in the state would remain closed for the rest of the school year. It was not a huge surprise given that other states had already made that same decision and Covid cases were quickly rising. Nevertheless, it still felt like a punch to the gut. As the school year progressed my mental health was getting worse. I had students in 5th grade who would be moving up to the middle school in the fall. We wouldn't be having their Moving Up Ceremony and we wouldn't be able to end the year with proper hugs and well wishes before they moved onto their new school. We had a virtual Moving Up Ceremony and said our goodbyes over Zoom.
I know that as an educator, you're not supposed to have favorite students. However, in a very close-knit program like mine where we make personal connections with our students in a way that a typical classroom teacher could never do, you're going to at least have a closer bond with certain students, it's inevitable. The student I had the closest bond with is now in 6th grade and I haven't seen her in person since March 12, 2020. She emails me to keep in touch and shares her school work with me so I can see what she's working on and how she's doing, but of course it's not the same.

Prior to Covid, my plan for summer 2020 was to work at the Summer Enrichment program that our district offers each summer. I had submitted my proposal back in January and was all set to teach a poetry course to middle schoolers. I was so excited and had been doing so much research and planning. Then on June 4th we were informed that Summer Enrichment would not take place that year due to Covid. I was so disappointed, but knew I needed to find some sort of income for the summer. We were told that the plan was to still hold the Extended School Year (ESY) program for our elementary school students who qualified. This includes all high needs students, and the students in my program are considered high needs. It would be quite different from previous years due to the Covid precautions that would need to take place, but it was decided that this was an important program to keep. At this point we were not sure yet whether we would return to school in the fall fully in person, with a hybrid model, or stay fully remote. The hope was that we would at least be hybrid and that ESY would be a great way to get our most vulnerable learners back in a school setting and get them ready for the possibility of being in person in the fall.
ESY was 6 weeks long and it was a challenge. Every day was a battle to get the kids to keep their masks on and to maintain some form of social distancing. It was honestly exhausting, but the kids were benefitting and that's all that mattered. 

At the end of the summer the school committee voted to return to school in a hybrid model. Students in grades K and 1 as well as high needs students would be in person 4 days a week. All other students would be split into two cohorts; M/T and Th/F with Wednesday being a remote learning day for everyone in order to allow for cleaning in between the two cohorts. That's how we started school in September; with masks and desks spaced 6 feet apart. Then in October the district made the decision to bring 2nd and 3rd graders back full time as well. Last month we brought back all 4th graders, which required some teachers to change classrooms, while other classes were split into two classrooms with the teacher teaching from one room with half the students and on Zoom, and the other half of the students in a different classroom with the Zoom projected on the screen and another adult in the room basically to supervise. It's not ideal, but it's more or less been working.
Just recently the commissioner of education for Massachusetts was given the green light by our Governor to overrule all collective bargaining that has been going on all year and order all students back fully in person, five days a week starting April 5th. This would mean that some classrooms would only be able to have 3 feet of distance between desks, something that many teachers were concerned about.
I must say that I am extremely fortunate to work in the district I do. There are some towns in Massachusetts that have been remote since schools closed last year! That's insane to me and I would absolutely have lost my mind if I was still teaching from home!

I go to work in person every day, but I don't go anywhere that isn't necessary. I realize the severity of Covid; I know many people who have had it, and while I have not personally lost anyone to this disease, I know others who have. I don't leave the house without a mask and outside of work I haven't gotten together with anyone who is not my immediately family.
Like so many others, I'm tired. I'm sick of masks, I'm sick of being nervous whenever I leave the house, I want to get together with others, and more than anything I want to hug people again! 
But the thing is, we're SO CLOSE! I'm getting my first dose of the vaccine on Monday and I could not be more excited! I know we still have a ways to go before everyone is vaccinated, but I'm hopeful that this summer we'll have some form of normalcy. I just beg everyone to keep going; keep wearing your mask, social distancing, get the vaccine when it's your turn. We're all tired, but we're getting there and need to stick it out a little longer so that things can get better and not worse! 

A Positive Poem Inspired By Science

 This past week in Neil's Writing Circle, we were going to be writing science themed poems in honor of Perseverance landing on Mars. Typically, science themed poems freak me out because I am NOT a science person at all. However, this prompt was a really good one that required very little scientific knowledge. The prompt was to find a science fact that gives you hope. Briefly explain the fact and then tell why it is important to you.

I've been dealing with enough negativity lately to last at least one lifetime, so I decided to write a positive poem (not my typical style). It is currently untitled and still needs some editing.

Season 3, Week 1. 2/24/21 -Science:

Tectonic plates are constantly moving.
Hawaii is in the middle of the Pacific plate, which is heading northwest towards the North American plate.
More specifically, towards Alaska.
Even more specifically; Hawaii is moving 7.5 cm closer to Alaska each year.
I can't really think of two places more different than Hawaii and Alaska,
But the idea that they're physically moving closer together, albeit very slowly, gives me confidence.
Different places literally finding common ground instills in me some optimism that all of us,
Wildly different people with vastly different beliefs, will in fact be able to work together
To overcome our differences and create a place where everyone feels as though they belong.
Where no one lives in fear and everyone is accepted for the individual that they are.

At times, this idea may seem more like a fairy tale,
And while Hawaii may not be able to control the fact that it's moving towards Alaska,
We, as people, can move towards creating a better space for everyone
Regardless of which tectonic plate we may be on.

If anyone is interested in helping me sort out my kitchen mess, I would be so very appreciative! 💜💜💜

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-carolyn-get-her-kitchen-fixed

First Actual Poetry Post

 I'm going to share with you the first two poems I wrote in Neil Hilborn's writing circle on 9/9/20.

The warmup prompt was to start a poem with the line, "Nothing ever absolutely has to happen".

Sometimes all it takes is a feeling
An urge, a desire to make a change.
That soul snatching, empty helplessness
to just get out of bed in the morning.
That moment your inner voice finally erupts and shouts,
"ENOUGH!"

The main prompt was to write a good old "Fuck You" poem to someone.

Listen here you Texan fuck -
You can put on your "Good Ole Boy" act in front of my family and friends
Make them think you treat me like a queen,
But your list says otherwise -
Yeah, that list you made and then read to me detailing all the ways I wasn't good enough;
Not lady-like enough, I cussed too much, I never wore dresses or skirts,
But my favorite was how much you hated that I walked around with chipped nail polish!
You should know this;
I've changed none of those things about me.
What would I change about you though?
I'd erase your strident voice and over the top drawl,
Your feigned "Holier than thou" attitude would be weighed down with cinder blocks
And dropped into the deepest body of water, never able to emerge.
Most importantly, I'd change you into a woman
So you could see first hand the shit we put up with from guys like you.
Then, I'd change you back and maybe, just maybe
You'd become a decent person for the first time in your pathetic life.

February Vacation?

 Here again, here again.

This past week has been February vacation for school, so I've had the week off from work. My plan for the week was to move back into my condo; apparently that was not meant to be though. Management called to tell me that my downstairs neighbor had a leak in their ceiling, so could I please check all my appliances. Well, my fridge was leaking and clearly had been for some time. The floors are laminate hardwood and it turns out the "subfloor" was actually thick insulation meant to go in walls. My floors soaked up all the water until it couldn't hold anymore and then leaked downstairs. There was never a puddle or any indication of water whatsoever. 
This resulted in having to rip up all of the flooring in my kitchen, remove all cabinets and appliances, and take some drywall down because there was mold. My next step is to get some contractors in to get quotes for how much it will be to put new floors down and put my kitchen back together. To say that this week has been exhausting would be a major understatement!

Here are some before and after pictures (the drywall was not yet taken down in the after pictures):

And since my condo was built 15 years ago and all of the material was builder grade, the adjustor doubts very much that we'll be able to find flooring to match what's already there. So who knows what the end result will even be!

So yeah, I'm annoyed as well as physically and mentally exhausted. I'm also even more stressed than usual!

Cheers! 😫

A Rambling Return to Blogging

 It's been almost three years since I wrote my first blog post on here. In that time I've written a whopping five more posts! To be perfectly honest, I kind of forgot about this thing. I'm back now, writing under a new blog name, and A LOT has changed since my first post in 2018. 

WARNING: This post is going to contain a good bit of rambling!

My reason for returning is the same as why I originally started this thing; a distraction from my AP.
Feel free to go back to my older posts and read up on the hell that is AP and why, after my shower, I need the distraction.

This blog was originally entitled The Itchy Nanny; the itchiness having to do with my AP, and at that time, I was a nanny. The itchy part remains true, but I'm no longer a nanny. 
In the summer of 2018, at the age of 30 I realized that my beloved nanny girls were getting older and would no longer need me. So it was time for a job with benefits that would allow me to save for the future and retirement, and all that fun adult stuff. I began my current career working in a program in an elementary school with students with social, emotional, and behavioral needs. 

I'm now in my third year doing this and the first two years, I loved (almost) every day of work. I still love the program, my students and coworkers, but COVID-19 has really fucked things up!
My students are considered high needs, so they've been in person four days a week since September, with Wednesday as a remote learning day for all students. I'll sum this school year up so far by simply saying that it's been a complete shit show!

Now, onto one of the greatest things that's happened since I've been away.
I found and became a part of the most amazing poetry writing communities ever created; Neil Hilborn's Writing Circle! (If you don't know who Neil Hilborn is, I feel sorry for you, but for the love of everything go look him up and watch his poetry performances!!!!) Going into it I was thinking it would be a fun way to improve my poetry and learn from Neil. While that was true, it has also been so much more. Neil has created a family of poets, and while I may not have met any of them in person yet (thanks, COVID) if any of them needed anything, I would be there in a heartbeat. Every week writing circle is scheduled for two hours, but always lasts much longer. There are crazy conversations, uncontrollable laughter, tears, and a genuine feeling of being loved and accepted just the way you are. And isn't that what we all want and need?
I've grown tremendously with my poetry (in my personal opinion). And soon, two of my poems will be published in an Anthology that Neil has put together. It will only be $3 but all proceeds will go towards To Write Love On Her Arms. 

Okay, I think that's enough rambling for now. I'm going to try to keep up with this thing and probably focus it more on poetry! 💜💜💜

Background Info (Part 2)

With the help of my parents I made the huge decision to apply for an Instructional Assistant position at an elementary school in a program for students with social/emotional/behavioral issues.
I knew this was the responsible thing to do, I needed something with benefits that would allow me to save for the future.
I was offered the position, and of course accepted it. This was going to be a great position for me, a smart move financially, as well as a great experience that could open more doors for me in the future.

The MAJOR negative to accepting this position was that I’d no longer be able to nanny for my girls after school. The timing wouldn’t work out, there was just no way I’d be able to make it to their house in time to get them off the bus.
My heart was completely broken at just the thought of not seeing them nearly every day as I had for the past seven and a half years. During my time with my girls, I’d formed incredible bonds with each of them and I truly love them.
When the day came for their parents and I to tell them that I wouldn’t be nannying for them anymore, my stomach was in knots and I was fighting off tears all day. (I have tears now as I write this remembering that day).
I was able to talk just long enough to tell them what I would be doing and why I wouldn’t be able to be there in the afternoons anymore. Then the crying began; first L started and at that point I was immediately unable to hold back my tears anymore. E then began to cry, and by the end all 5 of us were either crying or quietly wiping away tears.
It’s now 5 months later and we’re all pretty well adjusted to our new normal. I think the saving grace for me is that I work the before school program from 7-8:30, then my IA position from 8:45-3:10, followed by the extended day program from 3:15-6. Doing that five days a week keeps me very busy. I still miss my girls everyday and I’m still sad that I’m not with them. Although, it makes the times that I do see them even more special. Whether it’s watching L cheer at the football game, watching E play for one of her hockey teams, taking them out to do something, or just stopping by to visit, and of course babysitting whenever they need it!

So that brings us to now. Tomorrow school starts up again after February vacation this past week. I worked the extended day vacation program, so only had a slight break myself.
I really do enjoy what I’m doing. There are certainly times when it is stressful and you’re dealing with things that would NEVER occur in a regular ed. classroom. But I also know that if I worked in a regular ed. classroom I would be bored to tears! I feel like I’m well suited for this position and that it is also well suited for me.

Sometimes no matter how necessary change may be, it still brings heartache. Life forces us to move on, but it doesn’t force us to never look back. I often find myself wishing for more hours in the day so that I can see my girls more, but thanks to iPhones and iPads we can at least text and FaceTime each other. I know that I’m extremely blessed that E and L's parents consider me family and that I can still be a part of their lives.

Now excuse me while I go wipe my tears away and blow my nose. I promise I won’t take 7 months to  write/post my next blog!!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Time for Some Background Info! (Part 1)

I can’t believe it’s been almost 7 months since my last blog post! Whoops!!

Well I was looking back through my posts and realized that other than my AP, I haven’t given a whole lot of background information.
So I’ll start with that.

I'm currently 30 years old. In 2008 I started going to school part time for my associate's degree in Early Childhood Education. While working towards my degree, I worked full time at a daycare center. Mostly in the infant room, but sometimes in the toddler room as well. After a year and a half at this center I realized that while I loved the kids, I was no longer happy at this particular center. (The best thing that came out of that job was an amazing friendship with a mother whose son came to us as an infant. 10 years later and she is still one of my best friends!)
I started looking and quickly came across a position I felt was better suited to me. A childcare center about 5 minutes away from me was looking for someone to co-teach in one of their toddler rooms. I applied and got the job! I was still taking classes online part time when I began working at this newer and much nicer childcare center. I had been there for about a year and half when I realized that working in a childcare center, specifically a corporate owned one, was not what I wanted to be doing. However, I knew, as I’ve known my whole life, that I wanted to work with children.

There was one adorable little girl, E, who had been in my class the entire time I was at the center and I absolutely fell in love with her right away...from my first day meeting her at 19/20 months I knew I was going to like her. Aside from being adorable, she was wicked smart, had a great sense of humor, was a leader and was a bit spunky! I had E in the toddler class I first started working in and then about a year later when it was time for the kids to move up to the next age group classroom, I was also moved up. So E was then in my Transitional Toddler class (kids who are too young to start preschool, but too old for the typical toddler classroom).
My time in the Transitional class is what really convinced me that I was done working for a corporate childcare center. I was there for the kids, but it felt like the directors were constantly on me to keep up with and follow company curriculum. It was way too schedule based and regimented, which is absolutely not my philosophy when it comes to childcare.
I was planning on giving my notice to the center even though I didn’t have anything else lined up. I just knew I had to get out of that environment.

At this time E’s mom was about 4 months pregnant with baby #2. So I went out on a limb, unsure if what I was about to do was even allowed, but also not really caring since I was planning on giving my notice anyway. I sent E’s mom a message on Facebook asking if she had ever considered a nanny for E and the new baby rather than daycare.
Well, I sent that message on 2/7/11 at 4:16pm and at 6:52pm that same day I had a response. She and her husband had in fact been going over their options for when the baby came, one that they were really considering was a nanny. E’s mom even thought of mentioning it to me, but wasn’t sure if I was wanting to leave the childcare center. Of course I wanted to! I gave my notice to the center, and they gave their notice to the center that E would be leaving.
In April of that year I officially became their nanny and was absolutely loving it. Things only got better on 7/22/11 when E’s sister, L was born!
I was E and L's full time nanny from 2011 until September of 2016 when L started full day kindergarten. I then became their part time, after school nanny until September of 2018.
The girls were getting older and didn’t need me as much anymore, but the cost of living was only increasing!